Tuesday, January 30, 2007
9:35 PM
I can't believe this. I'm actually immune to (most) physical pains. *pauses*
WARNING: DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH 'SELF-MUTILATION' . I'm serious. Don't read if you are uncomfortable with it. I was encouraged to put this up... haha no actually I was encouraged to update my blog =X
*continues* Like during lessons right, if I feel like falling asleep, I'll use a rubber band to snap my arm to keep myself awake. I mean, it's painful right? So obviously you will stay awake. Then I'll end up with lots and lots of swollen red lines that ITCH like mad. =.= And then I started becoming immune to the pain from the rubberband, hell knows why. So I decided to use the method I haven't been using since my mother caught me last year... So I started carving my name into my arm.... C'mon larh, DON'T LOOK AT ME IN DISBELIEF! Not using knife lah (I don't have the guts.... yet), using nails. And mid-carve... I FELL ASLEEP. OMFG CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! I FELL ASLEEP. Although my nails were practically piercing my skin so much, I thought I was going to start bleeding or something. Alright not exactly fell asleep but, dozed off? Kinda. It used to work! =( Now it doesn't, I've become immune to the pain. But why won't I get used to the emotional pain?
I think maybe I should learn from the people in the past. According to Xiangyun, they tied their ponytails to the rafters, so when they nod off, their ponytails will jerk their head back up with excruciating pain that they probably can't get used to. *shrug* Or the other method which is to drive a knife through one's thigh/bone. Like ouch? If that doesn't hurt, I don't think that person is human. Of course, it's a little retarded to do that because one'll end up in hospital, or better still, die.
Was researching on self-mutilation right... then found out that there are other ways people self-mutilate, like by burning themselves using cigeratte butts or getting 'paper cuts'. But I can't imagine myself with scars all down my arm =/ no matter how hard I try. Maybe I'm destined to just get swollen red lines that will soon reduce it's swelling and pain. I like seeing my name on my arm.=) I want to see blood. =S I've never really tried because I'm scared of the pain when it touches soap and water. LIKE OUCH CAN.
Damn what is wrong with me. I'm being so suicidal and depressed again. Someone come and shake my shoulders. =.= gah. Anyway, was real happy after CCA earlier on, because of some great news. And I was so happy then. But am I really happy? Although I really do feel like giving up. I think my morale and that little shred of confidence I had (did I even have it in the first place?) in me have all been dashed against the wall. I want to give up. I don't care anymore. Why am I living in a world of self delusion? Why DID I live in a world of self delusion when I knew the truth ages ago? Why? Is it because I was stupid? Because I couldn't admit defeat? Yea well, whatever it is, I promise myself to pull through these last one and a half months and then drop all else and go jump around ecstatically. *shrug*
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Here Without You...
<33
me.
P.S: I want to apologize for such a depressing post. It was all I could think of. I'm sorry.
P.S: I like cold. I like rain. Please rain.
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
9:29 PM
Muahahas! I'm so freaking happy today! Because I managed to write a haiku~ If it's even considered a haiku that is. 5 words, 7 words, 5 words right. I think I rock okayy, and don't give me that incredulous look, I ain't talking bullshit.
Reaching out blindly without hope
Empty darkness with no trace of light
Raining, crying, alone and dying.
And no I didn't write that because I was feeling depressed yea right... okayy. I wrote that because it was the only thing I could think of that had exactly 5 words in the first and last sentences and 7 in the second one. Heex. Recently read the book: I am the wallpaper by Mark Peter Hughes. I think it rocks lah, although it's a little weird. =/
Did I mention the song Truly Madly Deeply by Cascada/Savage Garden rocks?
I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply, do...
I will be strong
I will be faithful
Because I am counting on a new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning yeah
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky
I'll make a wish send it to heaven
That'll make you wanna cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection
Of the highest power and lonely hours
The tears divide you
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
Oh, can't you see it baby?
Don't have to close your eyes
'cause it's standing right before you
All that you need will surely come
I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need
I love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply, do..
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
(I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me)
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
NICE RIGHT!!!! haha ok im being lame.
<3
kitty!
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
Thursday, January 25, 2007
9:40 PM
Because I can't be bothered to reply the many many tags on my tagboard, I shall reply em here. :DDD
23.1.07:
the perverto-yah lor, i hate having relationships. so overrated.
xw-haha yea thanks im not pissed anymore... kinda?
beryl-like they care. i got no say in this one lor. :(
24.1.07:
jack-aiyah study hard lor, then wont fail liao. ^^
cheryl-well, you received my sms today no? heex. and braces actually do cut lah. abit haha. it's ok, you don't have to know him. and i think it's better if you don't xD
the perverto-no lah, i mean, can bring but cannot use! you don't pay attention to details either!
qinyu-YOU NOTICED!! HAHA. ^^
25.1.07:
beryl-GAH?! what topic?! o.O and no the perverto is not tanzhixiang don't think too much. he's the barbequed/roasted pig. and he doesn't talk like zhixiang does he?!?! o.O
cheryl-yah lah i know lah if not how you sms me right. =.= lol
the perverto- who? what? where? what talking you? i catch no ball.
MUAHAHA. I'm now congratulating myself for coming up with such an amazing idea to reply tags. keke.
shall not blog today because im feeling sian-ed.
<33
kitty
p.s: flood my tagboard! it's fun replying tags like that! :DDD
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
9:24 PM
im like so pissed. can tell by the way im blogging. because i always blog with perfect punctuation marks and all. the reason im pissed is because, due to cca i'll be late in reaching home right. my TRUSTING parents suspected me, of meeting my boyfriend in school/outside school that's why im so late. yah right like i would want to meet my friend after cca?! lameded can! very late liao still got homework to do still want meet some saikhang?? *pissed* IM REALLY VERY DISAPPOINTED OK. this just shows how much trust they have in me. and it's like, i got training almost everyday, i go home when they want me to. and seriously lah, they think i so bo liao go and meet an asshole every single day until 5 plus 6? i cant believe this. im really very pissed. and no i dont need a lecture of premarital sex, BGRs in secondary school, single-parenting, abortion, marraige or divorce. thankyouverymuch and sometimes i wish you would stop loving me and leave me alone.
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
4:16 PM
Just now was on the bus waiting for the bus to move off with momma, then saw this guy go and kiss his girlfriend (should be lah right, unless he's being incentrous) on the lips before boarding the bus. And when his girlfriend flashed him a big grin, I noticed that she was wearing braces. oh the wonders of wearing braces Suddenly I started thinking way out of line from my usual line of thoughts...
If a couple who both wears braces kiss, what happens? Probably nothing. But when the kiss um... gets more passionate, what happens when the braces get hooked together?? Sorry I know it's abit weird to link kissing with braces but, now that I mention it, it IS kinda thought-provoking no? I mean, if both of 'em have braces, and then the braces get hooked up and cannot be unhooked, won't they have to walk around for the rest of their lives stuck together at the mouth?! o.O Kinda gross leh come to think of it. Unless you're telling me you're willing to stay in a liplock forever with a person you might very likely loathe for ages that is. C'mon lah, you go bath also got some guailan person stuck to you, go shit also got someone staring right into your face, at night sleep suddenly got nightmare wake up and see another face staring right at you surely get heart attack one lah! Provided you can actually sleep *raises eyebrow* Riight... Okay sorry I'm being abit lame. Just a tiny bit ok.
Anyway, supposed to be doing homework today. I can't stand this anymore! I totally forgot every rule of physics/chemistry/mathematics. And my physics worksheet is virtually blank. Let me ask you a riddle k, what is black and white and extremely difficult?
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Give up yet?
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Want to know the answer?
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K lah being stupid only. The answer is a bloody (not literally) worksheet you don't know how to do. =( I give up le lah. Get scolded lor, not like Suria doesn't scold like that. I think he'd rather scold me than puke blood all over my worksheet when he sees my ridiculous answers. WHY THE HELL DO WE NEED TO DRAW BEST FIT LINES?? Yea well, been listening to the radio the entire day. OK, not entire day lah, cos went to Tiong Bahru for lunch with momma where we ate at mos burger [that probably serves the smallest portions of fast food I'll ever see in my life]. Then bought a new top! xD That actually looks kinda weird I guess. =/ Nevermind, I already bought it anyway so can't possibly say anything much.
Fish's birthday coming in *counts* 123456789 days. =3 Gonna make Winnie and Qinyu share money with me to buy present for her. Winnie already said ok though. Heex. Just lost at another minesweeper game with Turts. =(
Nothing else to say lah. So... byebye.
<33
Kitty
P.S: Wah lau eh..... how long more then I can take off my braces?... T.T
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
Saturday, January 20, 2007
4:10 PM
It's just 7 more days. Minus sundays and wednesdays. Add together 3hours each day till 27th jan. 15 hours to train. I'm worried, and I'm scared. Yup, I finally admitted it, I'm scared. It's not that I don't trust my beloved team to do well, I just don't know what the outcome will be. That's the one thing I'm worried about lah. Sometimes I wonder what will happen if things hadn't turned out the way they did. Like if Anna or Wanting became leader instead, and I continue being Ningyi's #3. Maybe things would be better? I don't know, I can't shout. I just freaking don't have a loud voice. And I can't use my bloody diaphragm. What the hell is a diaphragm in the first place?? Whatever. I can't do anything about it because it's way too late to say anything that can change anything. Unless of course, one of us.... *gulps* quit. ZZZ.
Went for training in school today. Wahh I feel darn retarded. Woke up at like 7am, then because I was supposed to reach school at 8am then I thought I was going to be so late. Then I hurry wash up, grab my breakfast and go bus stop where the bus came in less than a few minutes. But the time then was only 7.35am. And since it takes only less than 10 minutes to reach RV so I thought maybe dont take that bus. But DEAR mother had to FORCE ME UP THE BUS. End up I reach school at like 7.45am. Then at 8am exactly, another 57 arrived lah. Like WTH I could have slept for another 15 minutes or so. But I ended up waiting at the busstop outside school for agesagesages. Because my dear #2, #3 and #4 were all not there yet. I think my playcount of "Wait A Minute" by the PCD is like dunno, 123456789 liao lor. HAHA. Finally at 8.13am, my #2 came, then sat there for a few more minutes until my #3 arrived. AND HORRORS! #4 didn't know there was training today!! o.O But she said she would arrive at 9... so we went into the school, where we changed into our boots to do footdrill. First couple of procedures.... not all that good I guess. And apparently I can't shout LOUD while marching. But when I'm standing still right... quite loud lah actually. xD Yizhu said she couldn't hear me when we were slow-marching. ZZZ.
And after another hour or so, #4 finally arrived!!! ^^ While we were having our break lah... Then she changed her boots and we trained our four sides turning on the quickmarch and slowmarch. It was...alright lor. Not say very good but not exactly horrendous either. Did two procedures with boundaries and timing. >< that =")">
After that, went to do nursing in the st. john room. At first, things went rather smoothly. But I kept stuttering when I said my lines and I couldn't SMILE!! =) you know how freaking hard it is to smile and talk at the same time? ifeelsofake. Anyways, while footdrill was fruitful, nursing was... slacky? #2 and #4 learnt side-to-side bedmaking though ^^ heex. After the case, slacked around the st. john room for 15 minutes or so, was sms-ing and reading nursing notes. ><>
Went to eat Macs, where my bag knocked over Wanting's fries. (SORRY WANTING!!! <333)><
<333
KITTY!
p.s: y'know what? I was a little sick today. Sickinthemindimean. HAHA. Fengg will know what I mean.
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
8:28 PM
liar. you liarliarliarliarliarliar. you fucking liar."get out of my head get off my bed back yeah that's what i said"-Don't Tell Me [avril lavinge]why won't you just let me forget about it?go away.please.just get lost.and never come back.i don't deserve this.
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
Thursday, January 11, 2007
6:53 PM
don't give me that shit. please dont give me that shit. tell me which fairytale has a happy ending? tell me which love story has a happy ending? even nursery rhymes don't have happy endings. fairytales. Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, Rapunzel, they are all self deluded girls. Look at The Little Mermaid instead. She died, turned into foam. why? for some stupid ugly prince who doesn't deserve her at all. love stories. romeo and juliet, they loved each other, but they died. happy ending? jack and rose in titanic. they loved each other, but jack died. happy ending? the butterfly lovers. HELLO?! they turned into butterflies with lifespans of only a few days. they still die. happy ending?nursery rhymes. look at jack and jill who went up the hill. let's PRETEND they love each other. jack whacked his head, got his brains bashed out. jill skipped down, and probably went home to give mama the water. he died. happy ending?SO DON'T TELL ME HAPPY ENDINGS ALWAYS OCCUR LIKE IN STORIES. THEY DON'T. YOU DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING RIGHT TO SAY THAT.stop lying to me, i know the truth.
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
9:10 AM
So while everyone happens to be in school slogging their asses off and 3L is probably having their first Lang Arts lesson or something, I'm back at home tapping away at my keyboard. Why, you ask. Because, okay for an obvious reason I'm not feeling well. But for another, I DID want to go to school. Just that last night, my alarm spoilt, so I borrowed my mother's one. Only to find out that it was spoilt... way after it was supposed to ring. And it was kinda a good thing that it didnt ring cos at 6.45am, I woke up. Not with the alarm clock but with my effing stomach. It was hurting like some crazy pineapples were doing the papaya dance inside it. Probably have too much alcohol last night, them crazy pineapples. Tsk tsk. So yours truly groaned and crawled zoomed to the toilet at a painful pace the speed of light. And then returned to bed. Then at 7, this stupid black cat opened her eyes and went: OMG WHY IS THE SKY SO BRIGHT?! *pauses* OUCH STOMACHACHE *runs to the toilet again* 10 minutes later ah... bed... bed...! *lies down* *eyes fly open* OMG IM LATE FOR SCHOOL! *tries to get up* OW SHIT STUPID PINEAPPLES! *runs off to the toilet once again*And that, was how I didn't go to school. So right now I'm waiting for mummy dearest to finish her breakfast and bring me to the doctor. Cos I'm kinda woozy right now and she's afraid I may faint on my way down alone. I feel so loved. *sniff* Let's see... paying probably $20 or so for some ridiculous and a little useless medicinal science... OHMYSHIT. SCIENCE! GAH. SCIENCE! I HAVEN'T BOUGHT MY SCIENCE TEXTBOOKS! OHMYSHIT. HOW??! AHHHHHH!!!! AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *PANICKS AND RUNS ABOUT THE HOUSE LIKE A MAD KITTY WITH PINEAPPLES RUNNING AFTER HER*[wait, need the toilet, will be back in 5 minutes.]back. now... ohmygawd how??? today last day leh! i didn't buy on friday then today also cannot buy?! gah!! o.O helphelphelphelphelphelphelphelhpehlep damndamndamn im so fucking dead!mother ahhhhhhhhh! why cinderella got godmother i don't have one!now what do I do?! I distinctly remember someone saying that the books are specially imported from some guailan place or something and very difficult to buy from places like Popular. OMFG. T.T *runs to the wall and starts banging head on the wall* WHATINTHENAMEOFHELLAMIGOINGTODO!? IMSTILL14GOINGON15IDONTWANTTODIEYET! whattodowhattodowhattodo! sorry im babbling here but I can't help it. Okay, I think this entire post is going to be filled with my ranting if I don't stop now. T.T Still, I'm so dead.So, I just realized I haven't even BEGUN to fulfill a single one of my new year resolutions. And the most ironic one is: Write in diary daily. Because after I wrote my new year resolutions in my diary, I haven't been writing in it since. =.= A little lame. A little only. But I swear to write in in today since I'm going to be at home the whole darned day worrying about what I'm going to do about my science textbooks. ZZZ. And I don't think the shows on KIDS CENTRAL now are nice anymore. MY WINX CLUB. Sorry, I know I'm a little childish but yea. Wah I think I'm going to be darned bored today lor. For once, I WANT to go to school. Gee, someone record this down. It should make the Guinness World Record 2007. Sing Li Lin actually willingly said that she wants to go to school and will feel bored if she doesn't. *bows and waves* Yes, jot that down. World historic moment. A moment to remember. One I am proud of. WHATTHESHITAMITALKING. Uh... but at least still can SMS lah. If not noone online I really will die. And half the pineapples have migrated to my head to do the um... apple dance. Where they run round and round racing. Then in the middle got the musically inclined pineapples banging on the drums/bongos. In short, my head is reeling and throbbing away. Must be them pineapples. Fucking pineapples. Stupid pineapples. *mumbles and grumbles* And I swear the pineapples have made me so mad such that I'm blaming pineapples for my body's low immunity system. T.TWell... radio radio... I need to listen to 98.7FM. Haha. Wait, cannot on radio, might need to go to doctor's any moment now. *GLOOP.* Now that was a random noise, so ignore it, it wasn't me swallowing a mouthful of goldfish from the goldfish bowl. AH SHIT NEED TOILET. brb.Backback. This is so retarded. I'm actually typing this with toilet breaks canyoubelieveit. Oh the school clerk hasn't called yet. ZZZ. Anyway, what do I do about my science textbooks? I can only hope that alot of other people haven't buy yet so they ask the vendors to return some other day lor
<33 face="Arial">KITTY
P.S: did I mention that I HATE pineapples?
P.P.S: this is the most colorful entry I've posted since hell knows how long ago.
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
Saturday, January 06, 2007
3:40 PM
I can FINALLY log into blogger after millions and millions of light years and first off, I would like to say that 3L'07... is HORRID. Well, overexaggeration maybe but yea, I can't stand some people in the class. The rest are fine I guess. Winnie is NICE. Haha. xD Here Beryl, you got your update, can I stop now? Haha, jkjk.Hmms, don't really have much to say about the first few days of school lah, also got nothing to say. Think the icebreakers games on the second day were kinda lame lah. Especially whacko. I think I hit someone for no reason. Sorry ah... xD Then there were also the damn lame lectures by the chers and the principal, I think I yawned 1234567 times. Still, the apples and wagons theory by that nice old guy who looks like Santa Claus was kinda interesting lah. And in the background of that video, can actually see that the school looks damn nice. Reminds me of Hogwarts somehow. Maths lessons... no teacher came in. Maybe the mere thought that 3L is the last time got em scramming for life. For chinese, we got tan chuan leong. And to think just before that fish was saying: i dont want tan chuan leong lah he so fierce. Guess what happened next? =.= Hmm... our form is Mr. Suria. I didn't even knew he existed lah can. Winnie and this guy - Merwyn are our chairs... Jean is the secretary, Claire is treasurer I think. Ah so many posts, don't want mention everything lah. But I'm Elit rep. T.T Whyever did I volunteer for the position. haha. So yesterday, we had the CCA orientation thing that was more like CCA training.I'm practically aching all over now. I think we did at least 3 cases. My team damn high-tech okay. I write down team debrief still must type out and send them through email. HAHA! Must make use of technology y'know. K lah, I thought ouroverall performance wasn't THAT bad but it wasn't THAT good either. Confirm can improve one lah.. WAH kneel until my knees got CONTUSION WOUNDS. I keep mixing up my sns haha. And I'm too hesitant. Gah, i'm just not confident lah. Umm then did footdrill for the rest of the time. It was like only the 3rd time we have a full team training footdrill. Next time we got full team again and the sun isn't feeling murderous, I'm hell bent on making full use of our training time to do footdrill lor. We're way way way behind the others. We've never even completed an entire procedure lah. Damn pathetic T.T But I know they can do it de. *thinks* I HOPE. I feel like such a failure lah. Shi1 bai4 leader. Ha. Junqi taught me commanding but wth lah. I still can't say my Betulkan BARISAN correctly. I keep saying: BETULKAN *weakly and out of breath* barisan... Ah and I think my voice has changed lah. Throat damn sore now. Shout until no voice le. And I think I spent at least $5 on drinks for my (dear) team. xD *clutches at throat* my............voice........... GAH. Things happened to, and I still can't control my emotions I'M SORRY OKAY. I really don't know WHY exactly I'm feeling this way because frankly nothing wrong has been done lah. STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSHITLAHWTFH.Erm... hope we can improve by the time comp comes lah... I really don't want to end up last. And I think my smses bao liao lor. 700 free lah and I think I overshot. T.T just last night I sent out at least 50 messages gawwwwwwwwwd. owowwow! my arms T.T Just tried stretching them. BAD MOVE! Argh. And I think I only went to sleep at like 12.30am last night? Too much sms-ing does the soul not good, especially since I have sadistic parents who confirm drag me outta my bed by 9am. Saddening, the way they torture me. HAHA.And I think I may suffocate to death soon. My father just painted the room doors and the place effing reeks of paint. So now our doors are both a BLINDING bright yellow. WTH! Of all colors to choose, they liked this. =.= Well, at least the front of my door is bright yellow. He ran out of paint before he began painting the back. So my door is in actual fact, lime green, prussian blue and SUNSHINY yellow. Goodness... Haha. Yea well not much to talk about anymore so, tatas...<33KITTY the GREAT. P.S: ALL HAIL THE CATP.P.S: I really feel like such a failure. T.Teveryone say with me now! I HATE LIFE! stupidfucking shit. gah.
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
