Sunday, February 25, 2007
9:18 PM
"Find inner peace? I looked, it wasn't there." Bob GeldofAccording to the reknowned Wikipedia, "Inner peace (or peace of mind) is a colloquialism that refers to a state of being mentally or spiritually at peace, with enough knowledge and understanding to keep oneself strong in the face of discord or stress." From what other people say, with inner peace, even if your surroundings are chaos, you would stil feel calm, and at peace. I don't think that's inner peace, in short, it is self-delusion. Why bother trying to delude yourself? Everyone deserves to be happy, I won't deny that, but living in a make-believe world is a dumb way to try and be happy. What if one day, someone tore down your picture perfect world with the lush green trees, beautiful flowers, perfect little house set in a wide open plain, and pretty butterflies fluttering around? I think your inner peace will be shattered into pieces. Forget about being happy and calm, you'd be screaming and running around the place like mad women and men.Stop deluding yourself and trying to make yourself believe things that will never happen and that will never be true. They always say, find inner peace and everything will be alright. They lie. They always lie.Alright, I think I'm going off point but basically, yes, that's all I have to say. Inner peace is never going to happen. It's just self-delusion.Boston-Augustanain the light of the sun, is there anyone? oh it has begun...oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,this world you must've crossed...you said...you don't know me, you don't even care,you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across an open field,when flowers gaze at you...they're not the only ones who cry when they see youyou said...you don't know me, you don't even care,you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...she said i think i'll go to boston...i think i'll start a new life,i think i'll start it over, where no one knows my name,i'll get out of california, i'm tired of the weather,i think i'll get a lover and fly em out to spain...i think i'll go to boston, i think that i'm just tiredi think i need a new town, to leave this all behind...i think i need a sunrise, i'm tired of the sunset,i hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...boston...where no one knows my name...i want to know why you can't trust me..i want to know why you can't stop suspecting me..i want to know why you can't love me for who i am..i want to know why you won't stop demoralizing me..i want to know why you always say it's for my own good, when all it does, is make me want to kill myself..i want to know why you enjoy making me cry..&most importantly, i want to know why there are never answers to these questions.i cried all night because of you. i loved you and i trusted you but if you can't love me or trust me then i don't see why i should care anymore. i don't want to waste half my life trying to drown myself with my tears.in this battle, it's either you die or i die. i gladly kill myself if that'll make you happy. just stop it already.i don't know how much more i can take.Labels: ):
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
Saturday, February 24, 2007
9:18 PM
Today, I shall tell a story.There was once when a little girl and a little boy played together at the playground. The girl's parents were smiling at them from a spot not too far away. The little boy's parents? They didn't give a fuck about him. The little girl's parents needed to go and fetch her elder sister from school, so they asked her to remain at the playground and not go anywhere. Being the obedient girl she was, she of course obeyed. The little girl and boy continued to play games like catching and hide and seek. While they were playing catching, the little girl tripped and fell, injuring her knee. She sat on the floor and cried. The little boy immediately ran to the coffeeshop nearby and bravely asked an aunty for a plaster for the girl. The girl was very grateful. She asked, "Do you think we will be friends forever?" "No, I don't think so," the boy said and shook his head. The girl was disappointed and didn't look up. He patted her head and said, "I don't think so, I know."The girl was happy. She smiled at him and replied, "I will help you too if you ever fall down." After that little exchange of words, the little boy and the little girl went to play more games.Five years passed.The not-so-little little girl was scoring top in level for all her subjects, and the teachers' pet. The not-so-little-either little boy was not all that good at his studies and was a mischievious little kid, always making the teachers irritated. But they were still the best of friends.Four years passed.In those four years, the girl worked hard. Because her parents wanted her to. She took piano lessons and art lessons and dance lessons, because her parents wanted her to. And she lost interest in studying. But because she didn't want to disappoint her parents, she worked harder than ever. The boy was there to accompany her and cheer her up when she got bored, or when her parents scolded her.The boy's parents still didn't care about him. He went from bad to worse. He was the teachers' pest, as much as the girl was their pet. He played truant, he learnt to smoke, drink, vandalize, bully... But through all these, he was still there for her.They were the best of friends.Five years passed.The boy was out of NS. The girl was in a university overseas. The boy wasn't good at writing, but he wrote to her anyway. Because he missed his best friend. She never forgot to reply any letters. But without her, he was so lonely. He mixed with the wrong crowd. And when she finally came back, she nearly didn't recognize what he had become.But they were the best of friends.Five years passed.She took on her profession as a veterinarian. He was still jobless. He was happy for her. She worried about him. He didn't want her to worry, so he decided not to look her up anymore. One day he was charged for something he never did. He was sentenced to a jail sentence of 5 years. Somehow, word got to her. She tried to visit him, but he didn't want to see her. He wanted her to be happy, to get on with life, and not hang around with a 'lowlife' like him. She gave up in the end.Five years passed.He was finally released. He was walking along the streets when he saw a pets' clinic. It was hers. He looked in. There was a little girl sitting next to her at the cashier when there were no patients. She looked up and saw him. Her eyes flashed with recognition. He stepped in. She introduced the little girl - her daughter to him. A man stepped into the clinic. He was her husband. The guy smiled at them all, it all didn't make sense to him. He could see no real joy in her eyes. She seemed... cold. Their years of friendship, was over. He understood fully why their friendship failed. Because friendships never last. He killed himself.The moral of the story, my dear readers, is that friendships never last so don't get too attached to someone. It kills when they leave one day.I'm not a petty kid okay. I'm not throwing any fucking tantrums either. Just think, if you guys will just shut up and not demoralize me, criticize me when I'm already so demoralized, then maybe, just maybe I can live one day without trying to kill myself. If there's anyone to blame for what I am today, it's you guys. I love you for everything you have done for me. But I also hate you for everything else you have done to me. Just get a life, and please stop trying to control mine.
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
6:35 PM
Alright I seriously can't believe this. Half an hour ago I was in the mugging mood, ready to mug my way through the piles of Maths and Physics notes with no intention of a break and yet here I am, tapping away at the keyboard, staring at the screen where the words are appearing in a box for a new post. Well, I can't deny I haven't been updating in ages eh? xD Can't help not updating m'dears, I'm either too busy/too lazy/too well... lazy. (:
Tomorrow is D-Day. DOOMS DAY! O.o Why, you ask. You mean noone told you that a meteorite was going to crash into Earth at exactly 10am on 22.2.2007 (TOMORROW!) and everyone on Earth is going to die? Ah well here I am informing you of this devastating news. Don't feel too dismal alright, because the entire world will die with you. Hehe. Finefine I LIE! The reason why the world I am going to die is because I have two tests tomorrow. Both on my weakest subjects. Maths and Physics. Gah.
Did I mention that we had a (supposedly) 3-hour remedial earlier on in school just now? And during said remedial, yours truly was fighting the urge to yawn and fall asleep. I couldn't help it! I can't deny that my Physics is 0h-so-horrendous-mama's-gonna-murder-me but seriously, try calculating decimal points and significant figures and listen to the (hilarious and amusing) teacher yak on and on about graphs. I have a short attention span, didn't you know? I get easily distracted by things. :D In this case I was distracted by... Erm... *thinks* What exactly was I distracted by? Oh hell knows and nobody cares.
Now on to my next subject: MATHS. I HAVE NEWS! I actually managed to complete my Worksheet 5 [of course with XiangYun's help but...] you know! And I'm so proud of myself because all the answers were... okay so not all of them were correct but at least I understand where I went wrong right! Safe for one answer. Confounded question 3. If you were a living thing, I swear to kill you. Right now, while I appear to be typing away, I'm actually trying my best not to ignore my Exercise book that is currently open at a page covered in green ink. Ah... I had to redo my entire Worksheet 1 you see. (: Can't blame me of course, because my Maths sucks so horribly. One entire hour and I'm still at worksheet 1? But of course~ What else did you expect from moi?
Tsk, and to think I was so excited about Chinese New Year! It was so so so so so freaking boring! o.O Imagine being stuck at home the entire day, breaking a saucer on chu1 yi1 and getting your thumb stabbed cruelly by a shard of porcelian and then staring at the laptop/television/handphone screen the whole of the 4 days... MYGAWD. I never want to relive that horror. T.T Uh... of course I could have done my homework but c'mon, I only ever rush through my homework on the last day (i.e yesterday). More importantly however, is the amount of red packets I have received. Although it IS quite a huge amount of cash but it's still NOT satisfactory thanksyouverymuch. As compared to my past few years that is. And did I mention that papa confiscated a larger portion of my money to put in the bank this year? ): *sniffs* Yeayea all for my own good I KNOW.
I want to watch Hana Kimi at 7.00pm later... It's just 9 more minutes! Oh and my initial study plan was to finish studying maths by then and then I will skip the 'Happily Ever After' show at 9pm to study my Physics but well, seems like I may have to change my plans eh? If you're wondering what about 8-9 pm, that timeslot is reserved for THEDANCEFLOOR! *roars* meow~ Okay so anti-climatic. It rocks, although some groups *grimaces* can't dance at all. Well who am I to comment on their dancing abilities when mine suck? xD
Speaking about dance, the Year 3s have to dance for the UG camp in March this year. And apparently all our song choices have been quickly snapped up. Not that it's anybody's fault because we didn't even know we had to dance yet. NPCC is dancing to Justin Timberlake's SEXY BACK. NCC may be dancing to Show's Jing Wu Men (which was our second choice). Hmm... how about Shake That by Eminem feat. Nate Dogg? LOL. Right, maybe not. Go wach the MV and you will understand why. Hehe. The song's got a nice beat though. That reminds me, we haven't informed the rest of the squad that we're dancing for UG camp. Although we may also be trying to persuade our seniors to get another batch to dance instead. Frankly I don't mind dancing all that much but with the competition and all... I'm afraid we can't cope. =/
Is there anything else to talk about? No I don't think so. Since I have a whole four, no make that three and even as I speak the seconds are running out, I shall go make everything aligned to the left and then publish this post and then I will be just in time to watch TV. Ohmyshit what about maths!
*innocent smile* Nope, you didn't see that last statement.
<3333
kitty~
aka lilin
P.S: Oh fuck tests. Term assessment my ass. Be more crude like me and just call 'em an utter waste of time. Ok so that ain't all that crude. OMG ONE MORE MINUTE! tatas!
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
Friday, February 16, 2007
10:23 PM
Hello people! Haha, am I glad my tagboard didn't go dead when I haven't been updating in ages. Since today is the eve of the eve of Chinese New Year, our school had what they called a 'full day' and then released us at 12pm! :DDDD Full day, can you believe it? If only that was really a full day. The concert was really nice. Well, quite anyway. I only like the last part when everyone was fucking HIGH~ LOL, we were jumping around like mad bunnies on a sugar high.
Went back to RMPS with Beryl and Mingjie. SOMETHING MADE ME REALLY REALLY PISSED OFF. The vice-principal made the security guard chase all the secondary school students out of the school ya know! And still say what, "If the situation really gets out of control we will call the police to report you of trespassing." LIKE WHADDAHELL? THIS IS MY PRIMARY SCHOOL OKAY! I WAS HERE FOR SIX FUCKING YEARS. YOU, MR VICE-PRINCIPAL HAVEN'T BEEN HERE FOR HALF THE TIME I'VE BEEN THERE. *tears something up* Did I mention we saw Mrs. Chan escaping from us when we reached? No lah, she had to go somewhere and returned at 3++pm. Miss Koh may be retiring (at 30?!) in June T.T so sad. So while we were waiting to be let into the school like aunties waiting outside a store that's still closed with a 90% discount sale, we went to the nearby coffeeshop to eat lunch/watch other people eat lunch. I'M SO HAPPY~ Alot of people I haven't seen in ages came back! Like Daniel, ZheRen, Glen, Teresa, Kavita and most importantly, CHERYL TAY!!!!!!!! OMFG I COULDN'T RECOGNIZE HER OKAY! not that anybody could Alright sorry Cheryl I know I've been like sour-ing you the entire day. ><>
And some people didn't come back like WTH! PERRY! QIYUAN! YUETING! Dixin left after lunch to go make IC. Anyway, went to VivoCity with 9 other peeps to watch the new Jack Neo movie: Just Follow Law. I think it was very funny. Let's just say I laughed until I couldn't catch my breath. o.O First, returned home to change though. CHERYL CAME WITH ME! :DDDDDDD Although one bad thing about the movie is that they have a very huge mix of both English and Chinese and TAMIL!!! Heex. So you won't be able to tell if it's a chinese or english movie. It's freaking hilarious, people! Go watch!!! I cried by the way. And I know if Jeremy sees this he will give me the (=.=) face. I <33333333>
Okok don't have anything to say. Happy CNY people! Continue flooding my taggie although I clearly can't swim. May you all get 1234567890 ang paos and share em all with yours truly! Er, sorry. =X oops! HAHA!
<33
kitty~
Labels: cny
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
9:51 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOziJi-1hHEHATE ME BY BLUE OCTOBER[message on voicemail:] Hi Justin! This is your mother. It is 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, it made me a little nervous, and a little, well it made me nervous, but it sounded like you were nervous too. I just want to make sure you are really okay and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication too. You know I love ya and take care honey. I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye Bye!
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space
Hate me todayHate me tomorrowHate me for all the things I didn't do for youHate me in waysYeah ways hard to swallowHate me so you can finally see what's good for youI'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like
suicidal hateYou made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mindAnd do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behindHate me todayHate me tomorrowHate me for all the things I didn't do for youHate me in waysYeah ways hard to swallowHate me so you can finally see what's good for youAnd with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had madeAnd like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"
Hate me todayHate me tomorrowHate me for all the things I didn't do for youHate me in waysYeah ways hard to swallowHate me so you can finally see what's good for youFor you x3 ...This song is amazing can. I watched the video and cried. And I hope you will too. LOL, if you actually understand what this video means in the first place? You can go wikipedia and search "hate me blue october" for the sypnosis of the video. I love it to bits man. So maybe the guy looks abit guailan and the lyrics are abit weird but I think they are meaningful. I especially like the chorus and I think I am addicted to this song because this is the 10th time I'm playing the video today =.= Someone please tell me why I find so many songs easily addictive. ZZZ.NOW THAT I HAVE UPDATED, SMILE! lol? =.=<33kitty~p.s: very demoralized now. thanks alot. you overbaked shit.
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
Saturday, February 03, 2007
8:51 PM
I'm feeling down. I don't know why I'm feeling down.I hate my crazed mood-swings.I want to try doing it, sometime or other.But I'm scared of pain.Crap, I'm such a coward.Gah whythefuck am I typing like that.Don't feel like sms-ing anymore.For now anyway. I know I can't give up, and I'm trying my best to hang in there.But I think my morale and confidence have really dropped alot.Okok I must really stop crapping, yesterday got my good news thrown into the bin.FUCK. I don't even know if I'm happy or not.Tians.Someone kill me please.And please don't scold me if I really do it ok? I'm such a coward. COWARD COWARD COWARD. =( Why can't I just get on with it?
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;
