MY BLACK GOTH.

Monday, May 28, 2007

3:09 PM

“You only want your father and I to quarrel don’t you? You’ll only be happy if we divorce right. Because of you, we always quarrel. Because of you I have to look after this dog. One day I’ll work to my death then maybe you’ll feel guilty. But actually you’ll be happy right because there’s no one to scold you anymore. You only think of yourself.”

I never said anything like that. Did I? I finger the sharp edge of the knife. Silent, I mull over whether the chopper would hurt more or would a razor blade draw more blood?

“I thought you’re watching a movie on Monday with Jesslyn already? Still want to watch for what? Everytime also got excuses.”

I draw the knife over my skin. It resisted. Say, is my skin really that thick? I muse.

“Didn’t I say that if you fail ay subjects I’m going to lock you up and you will stay at home and study? And that you’re not allowed to go out?”

I press harder. A little red bead escape from the route it always takes. The blood coursing through my veins stops, excited to see a new opening. It takes the risk and pushes through the cut. I’m bleeding! I smirk.

“Because of you, we now have to spend a few hundred dollars a month on tuition.”

Pretty ruby river trickling down my arm. I giggle. The knife is stained.

“Don’t give me that face! Look at me when I’m talking!”

Oooh look, there’s a pretty red rose on my shirt! And it’s getting bigger, and bigger. That’s weird. Ah, more roses! Why is my shirt turning red? Wasn’t it white?

“If one day I walk out and I see you with your boyfriend, you just wait and see what I’ll do to you…”

I stand up and walk out of the house. That voice irks me immensely.

Cars. So many of them. Whizzing past me. I smile. Their headlights flash in the dark dark night. Tell me that’s so pretty.

“What are you doing?! Where do you think you’re going? I’m not done!”

Doors slam.

Tables turn.

Chairs fall.

She’s coming after me.

He’s coming after me.

Everyone’s out to get me.

I should run.

“Stop! There’s a car!”

Blood. I can feel it all over me. I lick my lips. The coppery taste of blood lingers on my tongue. I hear a giggle. Wait, that sounds like me. It’s getting noisy, the air’s getting stuffy. I hear people talking loudly.

The noise! The noise! I squeeze my eyes tight shut.

“Why are you so stupid?!”

You know what? Maybe I won’t be the one with a guilty conscience; I’ll be the one in hell laughing my ass off instead.

And while I laugh I’ll be suffering like whatever in hell since suicide is one of the biggest sins but hey… I think that pain is worth it.

i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;

Monday, May 21, 2007

8:47 PM

Right now, i just feel like dying. Don't talk to me, I won't bother replying.

-im never going to be good enough for you.-

i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

9:32 PM

Hello everyone. ((:

Long time no update and I'm really sorry for that. Anyway, got my results back and OMG I tell you just how much they fking suck. I failed my PHYSICS with a really really pathetic 13.5/70. I own lah thanksalot. Failed my maths too. 23/60. WOOHOO~ okay results are such depressing subjects so I shall change the subject. Which leads me to my next topic...

Er... Which leads me to my next topic which is....

No topic?

Apparently this 43-year-old woman was killed by a falling tree today. :/ Kinda saddening for these kind of things to happen. Makes me wonder when and how my last day on earth is going to be. Is it going to be like hers? Just jogging happily one day when suddenly there's this horrible storm and the wind blows and blows and CRASH! This tree comes toppling down on me and the next thing I know, someone's identifying my body.

OR

I could be sitting in class one day next to a window when some crazy people outside playing volley/basket/foot ball kick the bloody ball towards the window and PIANG! It cracks and shatters and the glass shards pierce me and I die of severe blood loss or something. What a damn ridiculous way to die. I want to die pretty ok. LOL.

OR

There's another news about this 17-year-old youth murdering his mother in her sleep and chopping off her head then carrying it to the police post to confess to the crime. Disturbing, yes? Things like these are getting so common. Just like that korean guy who killed so many innocent people. Just like all the cases of teenagers killing their friends, classmates. But I suppose they have a reason for killing the people. Still, internal conflicts aren't a very valid reason in court for murder. Neither is mental health. When you kill someone, you killed someone. And that can never be denied, no matter what reasons you give. Gawd, what am I talking about now?

Okay change of topic. So everybody, I recently finished watching this Taiwanese idol drama starring 3 members of Fahrenheit. Calvin Chen, Jiro Wang and Arron Yan. *swoons* Haha alright I admit part of the reason why I watched was because of the eye-candy available but honestly, the plot is pretty good. And I love how cool calvin is when he doesn't smile and how cute he is when he does. And Jiro is basically sexy throughout the whole show. And Arron is just plain shuai. *takes a deep breath*

Ahaha so I urge everyone to go and watch it on Youtube or something. And when you get to the last few episodes and if you're an emo kia like me who cries at every single touching scene, you better prepare a few boxes of tissues ready cos you'll probably cry like crazy when Ya Se and Wu Xiong... Okay you probably don't even know what I'm talking about. And I just realized I haven't even mentioned the title of the show. It's called KO ONE aka Zhong Ji Yi Ban. I'm crazy over that show. First time in my life I'm so crazy over a show. Like wow.

Ehhh pei4 he2 abit also cannot ah?

"EVERYBODY SAY WOW!!!"

"..."

"Nevermind..."

Once again I mention, talking to oneself is a sure sign of madness. Uh huh.

Sian.

SC elections again. Useless event which wastes our time every morning. Eh no, maybe not, because we get to gather in the hall instead of on the track where we stand throughout the entire crap shit. ((:

Ohwells nothing much to crap le. And I finally updated so BEGLAD.

<33
lilin aka kitty. :DD

P.S: Felt kinda weird taking CCA today. :/

P.P.S: I WANNA LEARN DRUMMING OKAY. MY PARENTS SIMPLY R.E.F.U.S.E TO LET ME LEARN. ~~you mean a girl is supposed to like lace and must not exert unnecessary force on drums?!~~

P.P.S: I forgot what I wanted to say. =.= Ah yes, goodluck to the National Comp team. :DDD Ningyi Stella Yeeshuang Lynette. DO RV PROUD! YAY!! And the guys team. But I don't know who's in sorry. ><

i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;

Monday, May 07, 2007

5:29 PM

飞轮海-出口

红着眼你轻轻碰我的手
对不起你喃喃地说
我的难过不只你又伤了我
还有你变得这样擅长认错

叹息沉默加泪水和疲倦
怎么会爱只剩这一些

是不是时间把人变得傻了点
明明有过快乐却忘了怀念

如果我可以不再迷恋
迷恋你在怀中幸福的香味

也许就能够不再有期待
期待你回来约好的未来

我听着你说爱我
感觉却如此寂寞
笑容只维持几秒
就变酸了
此刻我只想找一个出口
逃离这混乱荒谬爱不爱
改天再说
我想你真的爱我
但我也真的很痛
不然不会连亲吻
都苦苦的
哪里才会有离开你的出口
可是我离开以后能往哪里走

听着你说好爱我
感觉却不是感动
这一次拥抱以后
还有没有谁能告诉我
哪里有出口
能让我逃出这个
我快沉没的漩涡
就算真找到出口

I'm obsessed with Fahrenheit (Fei Lun Hai) suddenly. Weird. :/

i could spend my life in this sweet surrender;